Espada: Owners Guide and Maintenance Manual
by AkaneSukishima
Summary: We are not responsible for your inevitable demise. Copyright Las Noches Inc. Pure crack collaboration between myself and Sinsanity. Enjoy!
1. Coyote Starrk

A/N: Yes. Yes indeed. This is a collab of pure awesomeness between myself, AkaneSukishima, and Sinsanity. Check out her story, "What Cruel Irony". We share the credit. You've been warned! Do enjoy. Complaints were due yesterday.

Claimer: We own everything. That includes you.

Disclaimer: ... Shut up.

Dear Customer! Thank you for buying the Starrk unit! Below are instructions on how to use and properly care for your unit.

Instructions on how to properly care for your unit selected from the 'Happy Hueco Mundo Amigos' set, Coyote Starrk. Please read thoroughly before proceeding

to use your new arrancar.

STANDARD INFORMATION:

NAME: Coyote Starrk

HEIGHT: 187 cm (6 1")

WEIGHT: 77 kg

HAIR COLOR: Dark brown

EYE COLOR: Blue/gray (colour balance customized by buyer)

BIRTHDAY: January 19

CONTENTS:

Coyote Starrk Unit x 1

Espada Uniform x 2

Darth Vader Cape and Helmet x 1

Cowboy Costume x 1

Los Lobos Zanpakuto x 1

Oversized Pillow x 6

Oxy Sleep Pills x 47

MODES:

Normal Mode-The unit will behave in a lazy manner, and will be fairly apathetic towards absolutely everything. He is not drunk or stoned, so there is no

need to worry whilst the Starrk unit is in this condition. Orange juice not required for detoxing of marijuana, and no heroine tests are needed. While

in this state, the Starrk unit will often sleep, and occasionally wake up to eat, or to use the bathroom. When awake, the Starrk unit shows a complete

lack of motivation, and is hopelessly lazy. He is fairly laid-back unless otherwise provoked.

WARNING: If you decided to wake the Starrk unit while the unit is sleeping, all returns and refunds are void. Las Noches Inc. cannot be held liable for

any damage caused either to the owner, surrounding humans, or surrounding property when the Starrk unit is angered. This mode, known as Raging Sleep Deprived

Mode, will be described later.

Extreme Drowsiness Mode-Often confused with Normal Mode. Differences include not waking up to anything. In this state, even the Lilynette Gingerback unit

has difficulty awakening him. Whilst the unit resides in this mode, you may want to check his pulse constantly, because he appears to be dead.

Deep, Reflective Mode-Your Starrk unit is highly intelligent, despite his intensely lazy demeanor. While in this mode, the unit will often recite double

entendres , and give deep input on things such as the meaning of life. Or death. Your Starrk unit will absolutely despise battle in this mode, and will

only fight if endangered. The unit is rarely endangered, seeing as most beings vaporize as soon as they enter a one mile radius of him. No worries - we

don't believe you will vaporize. But we can't make any guarantees. If you do, we cannot be held accountable. He is not to be provoked during this mode.

Provocations include bothering the Lilynette unit (included), or simply attacking the Starrk unit. There is no guarantee he will fight back, if he can

possibly avoid it. Which he can. He will most likely block your feeble fists with a sigh.

Raging Sleep Deprived Mode- Happens whenever the unit is rudely woken from a siesta by anyone other than a Lilynette unit. The unit will go about and cero

most everything. Is often confused with a PMSing woman during this timeframe. The only ways to reseal this mode is to offer him a particularly soft pillow

or bed, call a Lilynette unit, drug him, or kill him. Shunsui Kyoraku units and Jushiro Ukitake units are the best for this, but Sousuke Aizen units will

suffice. Any damages caused to customer property durring this mode will be your fault. All your fault. We do not suggest trying to halt the Starrk unit

yourself unarmed by a pillow, or the Lilynette unit.

Cowboy Mode (Locked)- The unit will run about in his Cowboy Costume and cap things with his pistols. He will more than likely demand a horse, or at least

a lasso. It is wise to let him cool down and loose some of his Wild West macho before approaching him and attempting to coax him into returning to urban

life. NOTE: Your coaxing may not work. Please avoid this mode. The only way to trigger it is to intoxicate him or leave him in a desert town for a few

days. This does not include Hueco Mundo. Hueco Mundo is not a town. Yet.

Suave Romantic Mode (Locked)- It is highly unlikely that the Starrk unit will ever display this mode. He most certainly will not display it in reaction

to you, so don't even try. Units known to unlock this mode mainly include Tia Halibel units, as well as some random units here and there. This is an abnormality,

and is typically referred to as 'Crack Pairing Syndrome.' While in this mode, the Starrk unit won't act too different, but subtle differences are notable,

such as less time sleeping and more time asking the object of his affections for a pillow. Once the unit has recognized you as its owner or its care-taker,

the mode is locked from your access. Permanently.

UNPACKAGING YOUR UNIT:

The first moments you spend with your unit are critical in the development of a good relationship. However, this must be preceded by a successful unpackaging.

Releasing your Starrk unit can be rather tricky, seeing as he will most likely be sleeping and unable to aid you. If you cannot manually open the box (which

you will find is very difficult for weak beings such as yourself) then the best way to release a Starrk unit would be to place it within the vicinity of

a Lilynette unit, which should have been sent alongside the Starrk unit. Unpackaging instructions follow later. If you are unable to access a Lilynette

unit, or you have not recieved it, then send in a notice to Customer Support, where it will be read, and either half-assed or ignored completely.

Hide safely behind your couch as the Lilynette unit proceeds to tear apart the box the Starrk unit is in, and continues to beat the living hell out of it

until it begs for mercy. Any property damage during this time is not our responsibility. Slowly crawl out from behind the couch once you have safely confirmed

the Starrk unit is awake and on his feet. Proceed with caution.

Once the unit is out and about, it would be best to back off as he adjusts to his surroundings. You will know when he is done adjusting by when he decides

to start sleeping. This is often a quick process.

UNPACKAGING THE LILYNETTE UNIT

It is advised that you do this before the Starrk unit is attempted at, or else the entire process could be ruined, and the Lilynette unit will proceed with

her uber-cute pout (easily stopped with ice cream).

Place the box in the center of a large open space, and gently shake it, calling out softly for her to wake up. Once you hear any movement from inside, step

back and wait for her to beat her way out. Under no circumstances are you to punt the box or the unit to encourage unpackaging. This will be later relayed

to the Starrk unit, and your certain death will not be our responsibility. Once she has climbed out, introduce yourself nicely, and point at the box the

Starrk unit is in, and tell her what's inside, and that he is sleeping. Proceed to the instructions above.

CARE AND MAINTENANCE:

All Starrk units are easily manageable. Simply provide a bed. No food is necessary; he survives by breathing in the air around him and extracting what little

nutrients there are. This method of sustenance was devised by the unit in order to prevent any physical activity whatsoever. Starrk units will sleep all

the time, so you may confuse them for dead bodies. They are not, however, and should not be buried or flushed down the toilet at any given time. Means

of disposing of the unit are elaborated on in the 'DISPOSAL' section.

The Lilynette unit, however, requires sustenance. Make sure to have plenty of food around your house, easily accessible to the unit. The accessibility is

a choice, however. She will not bother you for her food. She will instead trouble the Starrk unit for her every need. Provide sweets such as ice cream

and sweet teas and chocolate.

RELATIONS TO OTHER UNITS:

Lilynette Gingerback: The Starrk unit will be constantly abused and woken up, and will often become very annoyed around this unit. Despite these minor arguments,

the unit really does care for the other, and has a rather brotherly affection for it. But that doesn't mean that the unit enjoys getting a hand down his

throat, or a knee in the gut. Keep in mind that you are to respect his space, and that all physical contact between yourself and the unit must be minimal.

The Lilynette unit is useful for convincing the Starrk unit into helping out with anything you need.

Tia Halibel: The Halibel units may be the only other sane arrancar units out there. Starrk units may enjoy socializing with these units, and maybe even

develop feelings for it, as described in the Suave, Romantic mode section. Interactions with Halibel units could also take a turn for the worse, however,

and end up with your Starrk unit passed out on the floor in a pool of his own blood. This is not our responsibility, and neither is the rug-cleaning bill.

Barragan Luisenbern: Everyone hates Barragan. He will be alone forever. However, should a Barragan unit be killed around the Starrk unit, it will provoke

the Sleep-deprived Rage mode described earlier, or under lesser circumstances, the reflective mode. Or he may just go back to sleep. This is often the

case.

Sousuke Aizen: He will have a considerable respect for this unit, as it helped end his earlier loneliness in his development. However, that is as far as

the relationship goes.

DISPOSAL:

One way to effectively get rid of Starrk units is to cage them up with Kyoraku, Ukitake, Love, and Rose units. You may want to do this in an unimportant

room, because you will not be able to use the room again. Another way is to OD him. On anything. Pills work, but bleach and toothpaste will work as well.

The disposal of the Lilynette unit must be saved for after the secret disposal of the Starrk unit, to avoid your evident demise. The Lilynette unit can

be disposed of simply through sleeping medication, followed shortly by an excess of chloroform.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: My Starrk unit is hiding from my Lilynette unit.

A: That's not a question. However, we advise giving the Starrk unit 36 hours to himself to recuperate. Chances are, he had a particularly violent encounter

with an irritated Lilynette. Either that or you are foaming at the mouth and chasing him, and need a tranquilizer to the head.

Q: I told my Starrk unit to dry the dishes, and he wouldn't. I told the Lilynette unit, but she's watching TV.

A: Quit whining. What are you, a three year old? Seriously. Dry them yourself.

Q: I'm sick, and I need food. Can I trust the Starrk and Lilynette units with my money?

A: If you give Starrk specific directions and a time limit, and send the Lilynette unit with him with promises of icecream and chocolate later, they will

accomplish your shopping. Do give them a map of your town, or else they will get lost, and no refunds are available.

Q: I want to celebrate his birthday, and I want him to wake up nicely this morning.

A: Shake him by the shoulders for as long as it takes, and talk at him. After half an hour, you should get signs of life. under no circumstances should

you send in a Mariachi band to do the job for you.

Q: I, like, couldn't believe it when he, like, wouldn't-

A: Shut up.

Q: Can I-

A: No.

Q: Wha-

A: We're done.

A/N: Please review! Updates will happen when they happen. Next is a one-shot, then we will proceed with that pattern. Please review!


	2. Starrk: Adopted!

A/N: The one-shot is here! Do enjoy. Starrk and Lilynette... being adopted. You've been warned. Do enjoy!

"Oooh, Taicho! They're here!"

"Shut up, Rangiku. Pull yourself together. And if those huge boxes are more clothes, then you CAN'T store them in the training area like you did last time. My room is off limits as well."

A well-endowed woman danced out of the Squad 10 barracks, nearly tripping over two packages addressed to RANGIKU MATSUMOTO: SQUAD 10.

"Yes! Late night partying, here I come!" Rangiku squealed.

She noticed a little paper fly out towards her. "Oh? What's this?"

She grabbed it. "Hmmm… instructions…"

She pondered reading them.

_They look important, _she thought.

Then she dropped them in a conveniently placed koi pond. "Ha! Yeah right!" she laughed.

The blonde leaned down to examine the boxes more carefully.

"This one is bigger. I'll open this one first," she hummed.

And then she diced it open with her zanpakuto.

She heard a surprised yelp from inside.

"Up and at 'em, little arrancar! There's some drinking to be done, and I can't drink without finishing my paperwork!" the boobalicious lieutenant trilled.

A frazzled man shot up out of the box. "Aizen! I wasn't sleeping, I promise! On to Karakura! I'll fight, I swear! Just don't call Lilyne-"

Coyote Starrk paused. Taking in his surroundings, he gave Rangiku a once over. Then he cocked an eyebrow in a lazy manner. Yes, he even cocks his eyebrows lazily.

"Who are you?" he questioned.

She flounced over to him and smothered his face in her excessive cleavage. "I'm Rangiku, and you're about to make my life a whole lot happier!" she informed him.

"Sorry, I don't screw on the first night. I don't usually screw at all, but I'm really good at using beds," he reasoned.

She made a face. "Ew, no, that's not what I'm talking about! I want you and your friend to do my paperwork!"

Then, out of the blue, the arrancar passed out.

The lieutenant dropped him, and he hit the ground, still sleeping.

"Uh…" Rangiku was rather confused, but she quickly brushed it off.

_Maybe his friend can help._

She poked Haineko through the container a little more tentatively this time.

"Hello? You can come out now!" she said.

"Fuck off, jerk," was the disgruntled response she recieved. But it didn't sound as intimidating as it should have, seeing as the voice that verbalized it was cute and high-pitched. Fail.

Rangiku waved her hand at the box in a haughty manner. "Now, now, you should really get up soon! If you don't, then I'll have no idea what to do with the lazy ass sleeping next to me!"

The box shuffled a bit, as if showing some curiosity. "Would this lazy ass happen to have brown hair and a really badly shaven face?" the voice inquired.

"Wow, how did you know all of that? Are there windows in that box or something?" the blonde praised.

Just then, a small girl leapt out of the box, spun in midair, reared back a bunched up hand, and landed directly on top of the dozing Espada, also acquainting her fist with his junk.

A strangled cry resounded throughout the Tenth Division.

The girl then leapt up off of the now profusely weeping man. She snapped to attention and stiffly brought a hand to her forehead in a salute. "Lilynette Gingerback, at your service! Especially if your service has anything to do with hurting Druggy over there," she announced while jabbing a thumb in Starrk's direction.

He just moaned in pain.

Rangiku smiled warmly at Lilynette. God, this would be awesome. Bye bye paperwork!

They all sat in Hitsugaya's office. Except Starrk. The lazy asshole was sleeping again. He was gone at a captain's meeting at the moment, so Rangiku felt she was free to do as she pleased.

"So you two are going to help me out, alright?"

Lilynette shrugged. "Sure."

She reached over, and whacked her partner square in the face with the binder Rangiku had just been holding out to her. The Primera jumped, and then settled back, making sure to stay awake for a minute this time. Rangiku grinned. "All that traveling in a box made you tired," she observed. "Oh, I know! Would you like some sake?"

He perked up at this. "Yeah, that'd be nice."

Lilynette groaned. "You're just going to use it as an excuse to sleep," she accused. He shook his head. "Please Lilynette? Just this once?"

After a moment, she sighed. "Whatever. Hey, Boob Lady, do you have any ice cream or something?"

Rangiku burst out laughing, carrying back a bottle of sake from behind her desk. "Yes, would you like some?" she offered, pouring out some sake for herself, and then some for the nearly sleeping Espada.

The young girl nodded vigorously. "Yeah!" she exclaimed, on her feet. The fukutaicho handed Starrk his sake, and walked out of the office, followed by Lilynette. As they left, she could be heard asking, "Have you tried fish sauce and red bean paste on mint chocolate chip ice cream before? ... On a rice cake?"

Starrk leaned back, shuddering at the thought. That sounded thoroughly disgusting. As he downed the sake, he glanced around. He could really use another glass. Anything to have a reason to sleep without disturbance.

Then he remembered. Where had Rangiku gotten the sake from?

He sighed, on the second bottle. They hadn't returned yet. What was taking them so long? Was the crazy fukutaicho giving Lilynette unnecesary amounts of caffeine? He curled up a little more behind the desk, and relaxed back on the three pillows he had found. He dozed off slightly as the second bottle was emptied. He rolled it carelessly under the desk, and passed out.

She opened the door, and held it politely for the young girl following her, bowl of ice cream happily in hand. As she closed the door behind herself, she glanced about the office. Where had Starrk gotten to? She glanced around, and found him asleep on a make-shift bed of pillows behind her desk. At first, she twitched in anger, then she rationalized. He wouldn't do that... he wouldn't steal her sake. She shook him lightly. When he didn't stir, she shook him harder, and called out to him.

"Hey, Starrk, I need you to do something for me."

Nothing.

She finally got sick of this, and yanked one of the pillows from below him, and brought it down on his head. "Get up!" she trilled, laughing.

A moment of silence later, she almost lifted the pillow again until he shifted. She set the pillow down.

"Come on, wake up. I'll let you sleep later," she reasoned. He brought his hands up to his face, and brushed the tousled hair out of his eyes. Sitting up, he slowly opened them to gaze apathetically up at the woman. "Is there a valid reason why you woke me up?"

The question came out flat, almost two-dimensional. She took a step back.

"Um, well... you see, I needed... I needed you to help me with my paperwork," she nervously explained to the Arrancar getting to his feet.

Lilynette observed, then with a grin she sat herself in a sheltered corner to watch.

"Rangiku Matsumoto," he addressed her coolly. She looked up at him.

He didn't look so apathetic anymore. Well, that's just assuming that crazy, bloodshot eyes, crackling with electricity billions of Kelvins hot, all directed at her, were out of the ordinary.

"Think fast!" he burst out as he shot a cero directly at her. She dodged, only to be met by a powerful kick. She was confused as she landed on her side. Could he use Shunpo? As she rolled to lessen the impact and get away from the insane sleep-deprived Espada stalking her, she remembered the Arrancar technique was called Sonido. But damn, he was fast! She hadn't even seen him move, and he was just there!

She promptly rolled into the corner of the desk, and was redirected into the pile of pillows. It was her last option. Lifting a pillow, she threw it hard at the angry Primera's face. He caught it reflexively, and observed it for a moment.

Lilynette giggled. This lady was smart after all, she mused. Starrk sat down, leaning against a wall with the pillow behind his head, and dozed off.

Rangiku shuddered. That was a close call. She rolled to her feet, and moaned at the damage to the wall. She'd have to pay for that, she silently cursed. As she sat down on the couch, she sighed and fell asleep.

LATER…

"Starrk, get Lilynette off of Taicho's bookshelf!" screamed Rangiku as she scrambled around trying to collect all of the expensive literature that the little blonde girl was hurling off of the shelf in a mad giggling fit.

"Ugh… still… sleeeeeeeping... what did you say?" a tired voice came from behind her desk.

Suddenly, the woman stopped her quest to recover the books. Why would he be behind her desk? The only thing behind her desk was…

"OH FUCK NO." She then noticed an empty bottle rolling out slowly from underneath said desk.

She flash-stepped over just in time to see the Primera jug that last few drops of her sake.

He burped. "That was off the fuckin' handle," he hummed.

"You little-" Rangiku's angry speech was cut off by a delighted squeal from the center of the room.

Oh god. Lilynette found Taicho's stamping set for business papers.

With lightning speed, the room was soon covered in PLEASE CORRECT AND RETURN stamps.

"Shit!" Rangiku exclaimed as she chased after the rambunctious arrancar.

A few hours later, quiet finally settled in.

Lilynette eventually passed out due to exhaustion and was placed on Rangiku's desk.

The paper work was out of order and rather crumpled but in a stack on Toshiro's desk.

The ink job that the room had got was all scraped off with Haineko. Despite this, it looked kinda like the room just got attacked by an army of all the lions in the world.

Rangiku limped over to the couch, her one peaceful haven in the entire Soul Society.

She was about to throw herself on it in relief when she noticed something.

"Dammit Starrk, get the fuck off of my couch! That's where I sleep, dammit!"

A grunt was heard, shortly followed by the sound of a body hitting the floor.

The tenth division lieutenant walked over Starrk's body.

"Rolling yourself onto the floor won't make me any happier," she growled.

"Making you happy was never my intention," he deadpanned.

Stupid Las Noches Inc.

Rangiku scoffed. Gin should have some influence over what happened there.

Then, everything clicked into place. She face-palmed in recognition.

Fuck you, Gin Ichimaru, wherever the fuck you are right now. Fuck you to hell.

SOMEWHERE IN THE DARK RECESSES OF HUECO MUNDO…

A silver haired man smirked.

"Gotcha."

A/N: Hope you liked, and please review! Also, drop Sinsanity a line, and check out her story "What Cruel Irony". Thank you all!


	3. Barragan Louissenbairne

A/N: We know... it's short. Read it before you say anything. Please review! This was entirely Sinsanity's work, this chapter was.

Instructions on how to properly care for your unit selected from the 'Happy Hueco Mundo Amigos' set, Barragan Louissenbairne.

Please read thoroughly before proceeding to use your new arrancar.

NOTICE: DUE TO THE FACT THAT NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT THIS UNIT, IT WAS REMOVED FROM COMERCIAL CIRCULATION. BUT SERIOUSLY. NO ONE CARES. BECAUSE HIS MUSTACHE WAS QUITE OBVIOUSLY STOLEN FROM THE MONOPOLY GUY. THAT IS ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER.

A/N: Please review, and the one-shot will be posted soon. Thank you all for alerting and favouriting this story. Thanks even more for those who reviewed!


	4. Barragan: Production Discontinued

A/N: The one-shot. Heh. I think you'll love it.

NOTICE: THERE IS NO ONESHOT. BECAUSE NO ONE

BOUGHT THE UNIT. BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES BARRAGAN. DEAL WITH IT.

We became severely under-staffed when the Segunda Assembly Line was introduced. There were many unexplained character deaths, protests, riots, strikes, mobs, assassinations, sieges, up-risings, empowerment complaints, seven coups, a crater and a mosh pit as a result. The site of the Segunda Assembly Line is Chernobyl X 3, and there are suspected WMD's within the concealed barriers constructed and funded by Kisuke Urahara, because we all know that is ultimately reliable, safe and has absolutely no chance of backfiring or betraying otherwise.

Complaints not tolerated.

A/N: Two things! Check out Sinsanity's "What Cruel Irony", and my "How To Annoy Sousuke Aizen: The Fanfiction". Otherwise, review!


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